Thursday, January 16, 2014

I know, I know.

I've been a bad, bad blogger. I know! But I've been busy.

Seriously, do you know how time-consuming it is to build yourself a life-sized Justin Morneau out of Molson Ice cans, grizzly bear fur, and maple syrup? Well it's goddamn time consuming.

Anyway. Pitchers and catchers report in a month.

the deal:

pitchers & catchers : February 16full squad report s: February 21
first ST game : February 28
regular season opener : April 2 @ Chicago
home opener : April 7 v. Oakland
all-star game @ Target Field : July 15
Maren & Emily Mauer's birthdays : July 24
home closer : September 24
season closer: September 28

Ciao, buddies.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


The MLB trade deadline: that special time when all we seem to talk about are potential scenarios involving telephonic speculation and best guesses, possible three-ways, and sometimes things actually called "considerations." There are always one or two big move stories, but mostly it's a lot more talk than action (and there are very few three-ways -- settle down).

I watch it all with a casual curiosity, never too much anticipation either way since the Twins are rarely players on either end of the market. But this year is different; this year all eyes are on our big, beautiful, wry-witted, big-swinging, Canadian, MVP first baseman.

Hey, that's me.

I really only have one eye on it because I can hardly bear to watch. I get it. We all get it. Now it's this big game between agents and owners and stat heads and on-paper this and building for the future that... I'm not going to run through it all here (it's certainly all broken down smartly on Aaron Gleeman's blog) other than to say: This is one of those rare times I don't care so much about the numbers and that I just really, really want Justin to stay.

I want him to stay for me, for all of us, because, I, we, just fucking like him so much. He's a legacy player. He's a great presence in the clubhouse, on the field, in the Twin Cities. He could be really good again. There's no one right in line behind him who is better. And he wants to stay. He's always said that wants to retire here and I believe him because, come on.

I  also want him to stay for him. One of the things I hate the most to watch is when formerly (even very recently formerly) great players go down the free-agent rabbit hole, hopping from team to team and filling in where they need a thing (maybe offensive spark, maybe defensive leadership) more than they need a player. So many great players end up as basically well-meaning mercenaries for hire or trade for a season here, half a season there, until they just sort of disappear. That is the wrong ending for Justin Morneau.

We all know this in our baseball souls.

But we also know in our baseball minds that what's right is rarely the lead player in this game. I won't be shocked if tonight's is Justin's last game as a Twin, but I won't be happy either.

So, stay, Justin. Just, stay.

Ciao, buddies.


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Just a Little All Star Break Catch-You-Up

I'm just going to go ahead and take my beautiful, bold, bossy, blogger-buddy Kate's advice and not apologize for my total lack of posts. So, let's start now, ok? OK.

The All Star game is coming up next week, which brings us all short, but vital breather midway through the sometimes soooooo very, very long baseball season - - and this is one of those sooooo very, very long type of seasons for Twins fans.

So, in case you don't follow MLB at all and only get your baseball 'information' from this blog (that would be incredibly silly, please don't do this), how about we do SIG Baseball's Take on the Top 5 Stories from the first half of the season.


Hands down, my favorite story in baseball. Mariano Rivera is the best closer the game has ever seen, truly baseball royalty, and he is also one of the classiest, kindest, coolest dudes the game could ever imagine. To see him received in ballparks across the country with the enthusiastic reverence he deserves for his final year -- and to watch him so modestly and earnestly moved with each offering, each ovation -- has been sensational. I could go on and on about Mariano, and I probably will. Stay tuned.

Twins tie-in to the Mariano Rivera Retirement Tour: probably the perfect parting gift possible.


And there is always a rookie phenom or two that dominates the coverage (the last few years dominating coverage to the point that you are already exhausted by said phenom before they can even hit their sophomore slump).

This year's RP: the Dodgers' Yasiel Puig. Puig had a sick opening month to his major league career, batting .436 with 7 home runs and 44 hits in 26 games. He narrowly lost out an ASG spot in a final ballot vote, but will probably still end up there. He's huge, twenty-two, hits monster homeruns, and has a mysterious backstory as a Cuban defector. He has an awesome name and he balls so hard.

(But, does this add up to anything more than YP's turn as the next big thing? That's a clown question, bro.)

Twins version of Yasiel Puig: Oswaldo Arcia, who also has an awesome name (and excellent hair).


I like these Pirates a lot. After twenty years of losing seasons, they've quietly and efficiently built a strong young team with real offensive and starting pitching depth, solid defense, and a stellar bullpen called the "shark tank" (with an actual shark tank). They have Andrew McCutchen and now Russell Martin. They're packing PNC Park and their merch is selling like crazy; even if they fall off the second half like they have the last two years, I think the trend of good baseball again in Pittsburgh is for real and I am on board, captain.

Twins tie-in: Yes, that is Francisco Liriano. He seems to have recovered his slider and maybe his career in Pittsburgh. Good for you, Frankie.


The newest round of doping drama broke in June and I haven't heard much more about it since then, but I'm guessing big news is coming soon. Stop me if you've heard this before... illegal performance enhancing drugs, a list of players to be named and then suspended, Alex Rodriguez, lawyers, blah blah.

The Ryan Braun implication is bigger news to me since a) he had a previous positive test overturned on a procedural appeal last year (and, with his ugly attitude about it all, has burned all the good will he once had piles) of and, 2) nobody give as shit about A-Rod anymore.  Bad news, good news, I guess.

and, most importantly...


No word yet on my request for tighter pants, but this'll do, Joe. This'll do.

Ciao, buddies!


Monday, April 1, 2013

Throw your mittens around your kittens, and away we go. So It Goes Baseball is Back!

Yup, the Twins are on! And, yup, we're down by 2 and Vance Worley is glistening with sweat even though it's 33 degrees out and we haven't even seen Justin Verlander yet. So what.

Let's all just be happy baseball is back. 

Aces and rookie phenoms; head first hustle; mashers;
aging elbows; so-green grass and shadows; surprise heroes;
rhythm; inches; onions and kraut browning perfect on flattops,
and cold beer; shut outs; walk offs; held breath; lost voices;
lucky socks; and sweet swings.

Let's just be happy all of this is back.

Ciao, buddies.

And, seriously, put those mittens on those kittens, it's fucking cold out.


Friday, December 21, 2012

From My Brain to Your Eyes: Top 10 Sports Moments of 2012

I love lists.

There is no better season for list-lovers than the end of the year and the 'best of' everything. Songs, films, local chefs, political sex scandals, previously undiscovered facial expressions of Claire Danes. And, of course, sports.

What fun! Let's play.

This isn't an overall best sports stories of the year, but more of a collection of memorable moments -- and all off the top of my head, which I guess is as good a way as any to assess the memorability of a moment.

In no particular order:


Well, that happened. It still hurts my feelings and makes me curse.


He had a big year. And that big LeBron grin is irresistible to me. It's like the happiest place on earth is in Lebron's mouth.  [more LeBron victory-dancing]


I'm dancing at two more weddings, and we're hoisting that trophy togetherThat doesn't read like a stunningly powerful line, but it certainly is delivered as one. 


There were many, many great Olympic moments -- Ryan Lochte talking about pissing in the pool notwithstanding -- but watching little Gabby Douglas dig deep and just kill it is my favorite.


Six no-no's this season, three of them perfect games. Not exactly one 'moment', but a general feeling is evoked when I think of this. This feeling: good god, that is amazing.


I mean.


Okay, so this is a slightly different version of this moment than the one you saw on ESPN. This is the the 'how it went in my head' version.


So memorable I even wrote a short-short story about it. Sort of.


And introduces the world to the excellently phrased and awesomely memorable, lustful cockmonster.


Muffinbutt bounced back and had a great 2012 season, thank god. Because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to handle another rough year -- not in disappointment with Mauer, but with the haters.

So, there we have it.

Sorry, I don't know anything about hockey or golf or much about the NBA not having to do with LeBron James' mouth.

Merry Christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR, buddies. Ciao.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Hey, It's the World Series

You guys, have I ever told you how much I love Justin Verlander?


That's all I really have to say right now. I just wanted to make sure you knew.

Ciao, buddies.


Saturday, October 13, 2012


I wonder how many baseball fans had this same morning I did?

I got up a full hour earlier than planned because I soundly lost today's battle of GET UP vs. NO I DON'T WANT TO with my cat, checked Twitter while peeing, and said WAIT, WHAT?! 

The Nationals lost

What a colossal bummer. 

[Obviously, this is not a bummer of any size for Cards fans and, really, good for them (those Cards are seriously tough, especially in do or die playoff situations -- remember last year?), but it's too bad for the rest of us.]

I've just loved those plucky Nats this year, with their big-eared rookies and awesome bullpen.

And I -- we, baseball fans, America! -- will so miss not getting this in the NLCS:

click for a redirect. then click again. 

O well. And, the Orioles are out. So, I guess, GO TIGERS.

Ciao, buddies.


Monday, October 8, 2012



Watch this:

I never actually told anyone I knew it, so I can't say I told you so.

But, I totally knew this.

Ichiro is a breakdancing ninja.

I hope to see other players try this now. Like Dustin Pedroia. Or Prince Fielder.

Ciao, buddies.

p.s., For you, when only a .gif will do:


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A Partially Really Bad Prediction

Remember when I made a really bold prediction of a massive meltdown coming from either Miami or Detroit this year?

Well, things haven't gone well for the fishies, so I wasn't totally off there. But o my goodness was I wrong about Miguel Cabrera. 

The man, the machine, is one day away from winning a triple crown. (Should I capitalize Triple Crown? I should probably totally capitalize TRIPLE CROWN.)

It would be the first since 1967. That is amazing. 

Really sit and think about it...

We all know that no-nos and perfect games are big deal, but think of how many of those we've seen just the last couple of years alone. 

Aside from those stupid stats that only computer programs or Abed Nadir can come up with, (you know the ones, like... a lefty hasn't hit a grandslam off of a right-handed pitcher on an 92 degree day in September since 1971...) something happening in major league baseball that has not since 1967 is truly remarkable. 

So, best of luck to you, Miggy. I've never been a big fan of... well, you (even though I really like your friend Justin Verlander), but seeing a TRIPLE CROWN sounds pretty swell. Do it to it. 

Ciao, buddies.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Wake Up, Kids, We're Here

And just like that, my stretch of general boredom with baseball has all but waned. There is some exciting stuff happening as the playoff races narrow, even here in the AL central (GO DETROIT). Actually, really here in the AL central as the Yankees come to town, neck and neck in the AL east with Baltimore, and neck and neck with Texas in the wild card race.

COME ON, Twins, do your part as spoiler. Do it for Baltimore. Do it for Jim Thome. Do it for Cal Ripken Jr. and his baby blues. Do it for Torrey Smith and his brother. Do it for Bodie and Poot. I'm serious.

Do you know other thing that happens this time of year that revives my baseball heart?

It's Major League season.

Really, check your local listings, I bet it's on sometime soon or even right now. Have I ever told you how much I love Major League?  I LOVE MAJOR LEAGUE.

Especially you, Wild Thing Rick Vaughn with your furious power and dubious vision. And, you, Jake Taylor and your creative problem solving and nervy, dare I say ballsy, grit. O no, I haven't forgotten you, Peee-dro Cerrano, and your mystical Jobu and your rum and your big, beautiful... bat. And its hat.

You know what else I love? These lines:

"Look at this fucking guy."

"Well you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit"

"I look like a banker on this."

"Just a bit outside" and "He tried the outside corner and missed" and "Ball 8!"

"How's your wife and my kid?"

"Up your butt, Jobu."

"I guess there's only one thing to do... win the whole fucking thing."

"And the Indians win it, the Indians win it, oh my god, the Indians win it!"

and, my favorite, performed by my cat, Doug:

Ciao, buddies.