GUEST BLOGGER! Vinnie Malone's Talkin' Boy Names

Note from Christine: Please welcome the first of hopefully many more guest blogger entries. I am completely open to this, so if you have something to say, send it my way (e-mail please). Ladies and gentleman, my friend, "Vinnie Malone," the lovely and sportstastic, Meghan Maloney-Vinz.

The Boys of Summer: Naming the Boy

I’ve always been intrigued with the baseball name culture, and don’t even try to tell me there’s not one… there is, and I’ll prove it. Though I’m not sure exactly why, there is definitely a certain boyish, playfulness in a baseball name, and I like it.

Young Vinnie Malone

I feel especially cued into this as I am about to decree a new name onto the world myself; Lisa and are expecting the arrival of our second child at the end of the summer and, as I told Maeve (the big sister to be), aside from life, your name is the most special gift your parents can give you. So I think a name is just a little significant. And while we’ve chosen our names, both boy and girl respectively, and they shall remain under wraps until the first cry, I can’t help but try on some of these baseball names should there be a boy wonder Maloney-Vinz. And there’s my first strike: no baseball player has a hyphenated last name. Our boy (should indeed there be a boy) is destined to acting for the CW, running cross-country, playing lacross, the math team, maybe a novel or two, but if baseball is all in the name, and I think it is, then the major league is not in our future.

So what does it take, aside from the obvious statistics, dented aluminum bats and broken windows as a kid? Well, it actually takes one of one four names. A boy named Brian, Brandon, Jason or Brett it turns out is most likely to be on an MLB roster. In fact there are only 3 teams who don’t have at least one dude named Brian/Brandon/Jason/Brett. Crazy right? [Dodgers, DBacks and Cubs]

*Runners up in the most popular baseball name category are Cory/Cody, Trevor, Travis and Troy, and Jake.

What then, you may ask, should I do if I have a four year old who shows promise behind the tee ball plate? Well, the obvious answer is to add a “y” to the end of his name. That’s right, in the MLB there is a disproportionate number of grown men running around with names like, Bobby, Ricky, Tommy, Jimmy, Joey, Freddy, Vinnie, Donny, Jamie and Ronny. (Not unlike NASCAR, I might add… it’s as though if you are driving a car or chasing a ball, you get to stay a boy forever.)

Another naming tip for your baseball protégé, and this especially works well for a name beginning with a “J”, is the abbreviation. There is no other professional sport where this is used more than baseball. Think about it. JJ Hardy, JJ Putz, AJ Pierzynski, JC Ramirez, the list goes on and on. All told, I count sixteen professional ball players employing the first name abbreviation technique. And only two of them, sans “J”: RA Dickey and CC Sabathia.

There are, of course the standard names that are just as prevalent in baseball as in say, a law firm. I’m talking about the Matts, the Marks, the Erics, Brads, Craigs, Kyles, Chrises, Ryans and the occasional Mitch. And in this bunch, Casey and Josh seem to stand out with best baseball potential.

This is actually an interesting category. A guy’s name (indeed many names- boy or girl) is often chosen for transition. A formal name is given at birth and is immediately shortened or cutened. Sometimes that cutened name survives through high school or college, but on that first resume and in that first interview, the former, formal name or a “man” version of the name is adopted. But not in baseball. Robert on the birth certificate, Bobby in the crib, and Bobby on the mound. Robert, the accountant, is Robert on the birth certificate, Bobby in the crib, and then there is an awkward decade in his twenties when half of his hometown buddies call him Bob and the work dudes call him Rob. 

In baseball, you never have to be older than ten. A ten year old with super strength and a multi-million dollar paycheck. Cool.

In comparison, NFL guys stick with there formal names ALL THE WAY. These dudes do not want to be seen as boys, ever. Not many Bobbys in the NFL, but there are Roberts. And Michael and Phillip, and Lawrence, and James. Matthew, David, Richard, Curtis, and Marcus. And is there a Tyrone in baseball? What about an Antoine? Not many Chads or Quentins either. Shawn, Paul, Tom, and Jonathan round out NFL names; future pastors, small business owners, and new car salesmen, every one of them.

There are the few cross-overs. The names that just seem to say Professional Athlete. Again and again, Brandon is a winner. So is Jason (especially if spelled with a “y”), Brian and Craig. And Reggie, Ricky, Kyle, or Jake seem to be safe, potential SI cover worthy names as well.

But all told, there is nothing like a real baseball name. The ones that barely resemble any given name. I mean, what is Chipper Jones’s actual name, the one on the birth certificate? And how did he get “Chipper”? There are the good, but somewhat mild baseball names, Dusty Hughes, Sandy Alderson, Hank, Conger, JoJo Reyes… and then there are the Chippers; names that somehow hearken back to the glory days of baseball; names that a kid gets only after crashing through every picture window on the block by the age of three.  I’m talking about Bud Norris, CoCo Crisp, Skip Schumaker and my two favorites: Homer Bailey and Buster Posey.

They are perfect. Boyish and super hero all at once. I know Homer isn’t a nickname, it’s just a perfect name… I mean he has to hit a… well, you know, every time. Has to. And Buster?! Where does that even come from? He has to be a dog or a catcher. Period.

Finally, I just want to mention the four baseball names that stand alone. I’d like to congratulate Prince, Elvis, Casper and even Alejandro (in large thanks to Lady GaGa) for making it to, and thriving in, the majors. Your name was against you, and you prevailed. Rally cap off to you, boys. Really.

- Vinnie Malone
(my best attempt at a baseball persona)